


one day it's here and then it's gone

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Emotional, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Getting to Know Each Other, Mentions of Terrorism, Not Beta Read, Sad, Trauma, hopeful, mentions of natural disasters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-07-23 10:49:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16157504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: The door cracked and Yuzuru's eyes snapped open to see Javi, who was looking at him with for a moment before he came closer, sitting on Yuzuru's left. He didn't say anything and Yuzuru was grateful for that, because Javi tended to speak too much and too loud, and it was sometimes so much to take. But Javi was nice, so much more friendly than Yuzuru had expected, and Yuzuru couldn't just tell him to go away.„I hate this day too.” Javi said suddenly, his voice resonating in the empty washroom.(Yuzuru thought that the only thing he shared with Javier was their love for skating. Little did he know that 11th of  March had its own painful meaning for Javier too.)





	one day it's here and then it's gone

**Author's Note:**

> This works contains a lot of mentions of Tohoku earthquake and terrorist attacks in Madrid, so if these topics upset you too much, please, do not read it. I can't imagine how it was for people in Japan and Spain to deal with these tragedies, and I'm not trying to do that-this is a fictional story about two people dealing with some trauma and finding comfort in each other.  
> If you don't think you can handle this topic well please do not read, the last thing I want to do is to upset you.  
> Plase remember that English is not my first language, I apologize for any mistakes.

 

Everything felt wrong on the 11th. His clothes suddenly felt itchy, breakfast tasted dry and flavourless. Yuzuru had to force himself to eat it all, observing his mother from the corner of his eye. She looked so calm and composed, as like there was nothing bad, no heavy memories weighing on their shoulders.

The weather outside was pleasant, a winter chill still lingering in the air, but the sun shining brightly, bringing a promise of a summer far ahead.

Nothing felt right.

Ice was always Yuzuru's special place, his safe haven, his best friend. But on that day even ice felt strange, and Yuzuru's skates were suddenly too tight and uncomfortable.

„Yuzuru, you're a million miles away.” Brian said gently and Yuzuru grimaced in an attempt of smile.

He wondered if Brian knew, if everyone knew, of if they just didn't remember about it. In the end, it was a regular day for them. Their lives hadn't changed forever on that spring day, so why should they pay attention?

Yuzuru didn't want their pity. He didn't want their compassion, either, but there was some force inside of him, making his hands shake and his heart race. His falls on ice were more hard and more painful, but somehow Yuzuru wanted them to be like that, because it meant that he was alive, and he needed to feel that so desperately.

He tried so hard to focus, to control that rapid, trembling energy filling his bones, but he couldn't, and it was so frustrating because he was always the one in full control over his body and his mind, but everything was falling apart in his hands, remains of everything he knew slipping from his fingers.

Everything was distracting him; other skaters in his eyesight, Brian's loud voice, Javi's laughter on the other side of the rink. Yuzuru gritted his teeth and tried to push past it, to fight with that awful, heavy pressure in his chest. He took a deep breath and lined up for a triple axel, hoping to find peace in that familiar element. But suddenly the door closed with a deafening thud and Yuzuru slipped on a take off, landing on his back painfully.

He stared at the ceiling above him and he wondered if it was going to fall down on him.

Yuzuru heard someone skating over to him and then there was Javi, a soft, concerned smile on his lips.

„Hey, you okay?” he asked, like a hundred times duing that past year they were training together, always with the same smile and extended hand.

Yuzuru liked his smile, so unexpected and kind, but now he couldn't look at him without his insides twisting. He scrambled on his feet, ingnoring Javi's hand and his worried frown, and rushed to the side, something dark coiling up inside of him.

„Ten minutes, please.” he managed to stutter as he pushed next to Brian and almost ran away, taking his skates off on the way. He could hear Brian talking with Javi, but he didn't want them to follow him, because they wouldn't get it anyway.

He found his temporary hideout in the showers; he sat down in the most distant corner, his back pressed to the wall, and just tried to breathe.

He wondered why on a regular day he was able to control that strange mix of fear and gratitude and guilt, but the anniversary was always so hard to bear. Maybe after a whole year of bottling everything up he just needed one day of being weak and vulnerable and eighteen years old.

The door cracked open and Yuzuru's eyes snapped open to see Javi, who was looking at him with for a moment before he came closer, sitting on Yuzuru's left. He didn't say anything and Yuzuru was grateful for that, because Javi tended to speak too much and too loud, and it was sometimes so much to take. But Javi was nice, so much more friendly than Yuzuru had expected, and Yuzuru couldn't just tell him to go away.

„I hate this day too.” Javi said suddenly, his voice resonating in the empty washroom.

Yuzuru didn't want to hear any words full of compassion and condolences. But Javi came because he was concerned for him, so Yuzuru swallowed hard, a lump in his throat getting bigger and bigger.

He didn't say a word.

Javi shifted next to him, their shoulders almost touching. Sometimes Yuzuru thought that Javi didn't have a sense of a private space, but now he apparently waited for Yuzuru to be okay and comfortable.

„It was almost a month before my thirteenth birthday. 11th of March.” Javi said quietly and Yuzuru's confusion grew when he understand that Javi wasn't talking about the earthquake.

„I remember whan I woke up and I was confused, because the house was so quiet. My mom wasn't yelling at me to hurry and Laura wasn't singing in the kitchen.” Javi's smile was dim now and Yuzuru's heart stuttered „They were in a living room, in front of a tv. They were showing live footage from the main station in Madrid. There was a terrorist attack.” Javi stopped, his breathing getting more shallow for a moment „My dad was already at work. I knew that he wasn't there, in any of these trains, but I had never been more terrified. There were no cellphones and the ground line was overstrained, and I remember my mom trying to call every member of the family to find out if they were okay.”

Javi stopped, looking at his hands, and Yuzuru didn't know what to say. He had never heard about that tragedy before, or maybe he forgot, somehow, because it had been so far away and it didn't affect him, too caught up in his own life.

„I was scared to get to the metro for the next few months. I was hysterical for a week when my parents wanted to leave the house at all, even if it was only for groceries.” Javi added, his voice quiet, emotions making his accent even heavier „I still have these moments of hesitation, sometimes, before stepping into a train.”

Yuzuru didn't know that. And he would never tell that Javi, his funny, sweet rinkmate was carrying such trauma with him, and he did it so quietly, keeping the memories from showing in his eyes.

Yuzuru wondered suddenly how many things Javi could hide behind that smile of his.

He wanted to tell him so many things, but English words were stiff on his tongue and the pressure in his chest was heave, so he just put his head on Javi's shoulder, exhaling deeply and closing his eyes. Javi put one arm around him, bringing him closer and resting his cheek on the top of Yuzuru's head.

„I don't say it because I want to make you feel worse, or to belittle what you're feeling.” Javi whispered „I just... we can't change everything what's wrong with the world, and we can't prevent all bad things from happening. But we can overcome it, Yuzu. And we can live.” he chuckled suddenly, a quiet, comforting sound „I guess what I'm trying to say is-” his hand found Yuzuru's a he squeezed it gently, reassuringly „- is that you're not alone. No one is.”

There were so many emotions filling Yuzuru's body he was scared his body wouldn't hold them all, and that it would finally break. He was still sad, still choked up with the memories that couldn't fade away after only two years.

But also, he felt grateful, with a tiny bit of hope forming somewhere deep inside of him.

„Thank you.” he said slowly, leaning a bit closer, so now his nose was pressed against warm skin of Javi's neck „And I'm sorry.” he added and Javi squeezed his hand without a word.

They sat like that for a moment, the silence around them familiar and safe, warmth of their bodies next to each other bringing them comfort.

„Brian's probably wondering wondering what happened.” Javi said softly and Yuzuru nodded, understanding.

They were already in a corridor when Yuzuru let go of Javi's hand, suddenly scared of that small, intimate gesture. But he caught Javi's sleeve with two fingers, not really ready to let go, as if he needed to keep himself grounded for a second longer.

Brian looked at them curiously, but didn't comment their short disappearance and sent them back to practice as if nothing had happened; Yuzuru could feel his coach's searching gaze coming from Yuzuru to Javi, a question visible in his eyes.

Yuzuru was grateful Brian didn't ask; he didn't know the answer either.

 

Yuzuru fell on an axel again, but that time it didn't hurt as much as before.

„I'm okay.” he told Javi when he helped him get up, and Javi smiled at him, gently and understanding.

Yuzuru looked at that smile and thought that maybe, one day, it wouldn't hurt at all.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not Spanish, but what happened in Madrid in 2004 was actually the first time I realized that world wasn't all that nice and safe. I still remember being 8 and anxious to step into a bus, and somehow the memory hit me not so long ago, and this story happened.  
> As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts and thank you so much for reading.


End file.
